Be strong and courageous

A.J. is one of the most independent toddlers I’ve met.  But sadly she has adopted her fierce impatience from me… Lately, she has been crying out “I can’t do it!” when she gets just too overwhelmed with the task at hand. I encourage her as much as I can, and I pray as she goes through life crying “I can’t do it” at moments and situations where she feels down about herself, she is surrounded by others who will empower and encourage her.

During August, I have been writing blog posts for The Twelve on Sundays, and I consider this week’s writing sort of a “Dear A.J.” post (in a series where I document memories and thoughts about A.J.’s life).

You can read more here.

You are getting so big…

Dear A.J.

Tonight when I put you to bed, I held back tears. It was your first night in your “big girl bed” (a double mattress on the floor). You are getting so big.

Earlier today when I was getting you out of your carseat, you said to me “I want you to be my friend, mommy” and it melted my heart. You are getting so big.

When we got home and moved the mattress into your room, your (insistent) response to me laying on your new bed was “no mommy, don’t lie on my bed.”  You are getting so big.

But tonight when I tucked you into your new bed and went to leave, you kept insisting “lie down with me mommy.” And I couldn’t resist. I often still “rock you like a baby” (usually at your request). When I do this, I ask you “are you mommy’s baby?” And you typically respond with “I’m your baby and your big girl.” Tonight, tucking your small body into such a big bed, you were definitely my baby and my big girl. You are getting so big.

I had to take this picture when you threw your arms out to hug us both saying “I love you guys!!! This is the best day ever!” You usually proclaim every day is the best day ever, and I absolutely love this joy about you.

 ***please excuse the poor quality phone pictures!

patience

I started this blog post the other night after a frustrating evening. In a moment where God must have certainly been teaching me more about patience, the draft of my post suddenly crashed. If I were writing about anything other than patience, I probably would have cried. Instead, I was able to appreciate the irony (and – to a lesser extent – a life lesson). I begrudgingly returned to my blog today to start the post from scratch only to find a pop-up asking me if I wanted to restore what I had started writing (uhhhhhh, YES PLEASE!). Having started this post a couple of days ago but finishing it up today, I have been able to further reflect on patience, self-control, composure and poise. However, despite the further reflection, I cannot say that I have increased my capacity – try as I may – in any of these areas.

Dear A.J.

You are fiercely independent.

You are my stubborn, spirited girl.

You have the ability like no one else to drive me absolutely crazy.

You whine (often incessantly). You scream “no!” (and yet still haven’t mastered the word “yes”).  Dinners are sometimes a battle (until we remember to add ketchup). You have started the “up! … Down!” game. The “all done!!! ……. More!!!” game.

But in the midst of intense impatience and frustration, I remember how you fell asleep on me a couple of days ago – for the first time in months (albeit, it was after you refused to nap for almost 2 hours……). I love how now that you’ve been learning and using so many words, you randomly come up to me and say “lap” because you want to sit with me. Today we were laughing together and you took my face in between your hands and I melted.

During a frustrating dinner a couple of evenings ago, you desperately wanted bread. But we wanted you to eat 3 bites of spaghetti first (or – heaven forbid – even one bite…). You screamed as if we were making you eat cockroaches. And then your brilliant daddy thought “hey, let’s add ketchup!” (you’ll eat anything with ketchup…) and you easily ate three bites as if you were eating a gourmet lobster dinner.  After this incredibly frustrating dinner, I watched you tenderly “feed” your stuffed animals. And I remember that as I cooked dinner that night, you – my fiercely independent girl, and yet my baby – came running to me during a “scary” part on Bubble Guppies, and you watched the rest of the scene hugging my legs. As I washed the dishes, you screeched in joy as you and Jedi played, and then came running to me, squeezing yourself in between my legs and the sink. This morning as I was preparing some food, you – for no apparent reason – came up to me, again squeezed in between the cabinets and my legs, and sat on my feet like they were your own personal couch.

And again later. Apparently your personal foot couch is a comfortable place to read.

I’ve been trying to teach you patience, but I’m not the best teacher in this area… Regardless, something you’ve learned from me: the word “patience.” You were fussing in the car the other day, and I asked you to have “patience.” You repeated the word all the way home – sometimes calmly, other times whining the word.

In the midst of impatience – both yours and consequently mine – I reflect on this…

You’re stubborn, but I’m hoping your stubbornness evolves into determination.

You’re spirited, but I know you’re lively spirit is part of your wonderful outgoing personality. I hope your spirit results in unending passion for people and issues you care about.

I love your independence. But I also love when you come and hung my legs while I’m trying to make dinner. I catch myself becoming impatient that you’ve interrupted my path, and then realize that I love that you do it – despite your independence, you’re still my baby girl and you still love running to me. So I stand there and cherish your arms around my legs. More often than not, I don’t have to remove you from my legs – you’re off running to do something else.

Because you remind me so much of myself, I love learning from you: seeing some of my shortfalls and the characteristics I need to work on (patience perhaps!?). And revel in attributes that I most admire of myself.

My Independent Girl

Dear A.J.,

You’re a great sleeper! With the exception of some teething fussy sleeps (even then, when you wake up crying in the middle of the night, it only takes a quick cuddle to put you back to sleep again), you love your sleep. You napped twice a day until just after your first birthday. And even now (no jinxing it!) you have a good afternoon nap and sleep from about 7 PM – 7 AM. You’ve been sleeping through the night since you were about 3 months old, and this mommy (who also loves her sleep!) is so appreciative.

You are so incredibly independent! You aren’t the biggest cuddler in the world (though that’s been changing as you’ve started paying more attention to the tv – I can usually buy some extra snuggles by putting on Bubble Guppies or Doc McStuffins so you’ll sit with me…). And when you sleep, you need your space in your crib. You used to sleep on me when I would wear you when you were an infant. But after about 7 months or so, you regularly napped in your crib, and you stopped falling asleep on me so easily. Back in February when we went to see Nana and Grandpa in Florida, you fell asleep on me for the first time in such a long time (and the first time you fell asleep on my back), and I loved it.

Mommy’s eyes are a little red because this was a LONG day of travelling just you and me, and I may have cried after our flight was delayed yet again.

The last couple of nights, you’ve been pretty restless going to bed (I think you have some more teeth coming in…). And I have to admit, I’ve really cherished the extra cuddles.

Tonight you were having a rough time going to bed. The last couple of months I’ve had to depend on evenings to write and study for school, and I would often grow impatient if you were having a difficult night falling asleep. Tonight I cherished every moment. And you fell asleep on my chest for the first time in I can’t even remember how long. I stayed in the rocking chair for at least an hour just looking at your peaceful sleeping face and smelling your hair (a beautiful scent of the time we spent outdoors today and baby sweat). You fell asleep with my hand in yours (or yours in mine?). And you were breathing so softly.

I just don’t want to forget how your baby cuddles feel!

My growing girl

Dear A.J.

How does someone so young and so small have such a big personality (not to mention temper…)?! And how does one grow so quickly? I went away for work last week for 5 days, and I came back to a little girl who no longer looked like a zombie when she walked (you know, the arms in the air new walker). I came back to a girl who is trying harder to mimic even more words. I came back to a girl who has obvious interests and likes (evident by the way you smiled bigger at the new Bubble Guppies shirt I brought back than you did when you saw me for the first time in 5 days… Don’t worry, I don’t take it too personally that you still don’t say “mommy” but you say “baba” for Bubble Guppies on a regular basis… It’s not like they puked almost every day for 9 months, delivered you and cared for you since!).

I take so much joy in the cute little new things that you do. It took us a couple of days to figure out that you saying “puma” was actually “come on.” And as quickly as you pick up new cute little things, you stop doing other cute little things. Every day is so new that I often don’t even notice that you’ve stopped certain habits or behaviours. And then it occurs to me – you less frequently say “hi hi hi” to random people in the grocery store, you’ve stopped blowing raspberries, you no longer use the sign “more” for pretty much everything you want.

Everyone says time goes by so fast, and it totally does. Your daddy and I often scroll through old pictures on our phone and exclaim “look how small she was!” “Remember when she used to do this?”

How did you go from this…

March 6, 2014 (post nursing nap)

To this?

March 6, 2015 (Holding something Bubble Guppies, of course…)

I’m sure in 5, 10, 15, 20 years, I’ll look back and wonder the exact same thing…

My heart just melted

Dear A.J., tonight you gave us your first belly laugh! It pretty much melted my heart (and probably your daddy’s too). You’ve had this rash under your arm the last day or two, so I lifted your arm up to check (all clear!) and impulsively tickled your armpit. A big belly laugh in response! I think you’re still figuring it out I think because you were giggling and then screaming (happy screams).

You’ve also been teething for the last couple of weeks and LOVE tummy time (you’ve loved that since you were born). In the last week, you’ve really learned how to grasp and bring toys to your mouth.

Had to write it down so I would remember!

Dear A.J.: no make-up selfie nominations

For the last couple of days, I’ve noticed my Facebook newsfeed flood with more “selfies” than usual (and I have quite a number of friends who enjoy selfies on any given day…). These selfies have been posted with various statements and reasonings. One of the most common I’ve seen is for breast cancer awareness. Now, I have my own opinions and thoughts about how social media is (and isn’t) effective for addressing social justice issues, health issues, etc…. I’m not convinced that posting a selfie is doing all that much in “fighting breast cancer.”

Other posts have not mentioned breast cancer and instead encouraged other females on Facebook to simply post a make-up free picture. To be honest, I wasn’t so sure what I would do if I was nominated because it is very uncommon for me to wear make-up in the first place (the majority of my pictures feature me make-up free! I celebrate it everyday, not just during this online campaign). But alas, I was nominated! And I have to thank one of my best friends, Constance, for the nomination so I could sit down and really think about the issue of body image in light of my daughter. Here is a letter to A.J. on why I took this picture with her:

No photoshop, filters, or make-up. Just me and my daughter, both beautiful inside and out.

Darling daughter… Do you know how beautiful you are? Being a parent gives me a new, unique glimpse of what it’s like for God to look at us. Despite our flaws, we are so loved and beautiful.

It pains me to think that one day (sooner than later, most likely…) you’ll feel the need to wear make-up. Maybe at first you’ll want to wear make-up because other girls are, because it seems like fun. But maybe one day you’ll start to feel like you have to wear make-up to keep up with everyone else, to cover “flaws” and to be “beautiful.”

Beauty: the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind

I pray that you realize (sooner than I came to realize) that beauty is more than just looks. It’s character and personality. It’s how you speak, think and act.

When you get a little older, I hope that you don’t worry about being “fat” (like 81% of other 10 year olds) and that thoughts of dieting don’t consume your mind (like 42% of other 1st-3rd graders). I don’t want worries of how you look to consume your thoughts. I don’t ever want you to think that starvation and purging is something that you have to do. It boggles my mind that children as young as 6 are being hospitalized for bulemia and anorexia; what are they hearing and facing everyday that makes them think that food is the enemy???*** In our house, food is nourishment. Food is yummy. Food is something that is a large part of family get-togethers and celebrations.

If you are unhappy with your health and body, I want us to be able to have honest, open discussions about it. I want us to be able to go for walks together, cook together, and wear summer clothes together without either one of us being ashamed of who we are; I want us to be proud of our bodies, our strength. But I also want you to realize that life is more important than how our bodies look. Characteristics that are important to our family include compassion, humility, integrity, hard work.

To think that by age 5, my thoughts and actions about beauty and body image will have such a powerful influence on you is a huge task I do not take lightly. I take my responsibility seriously. I know I’m up against a lot. You will have friends, peer pressure, media. But you also have me (and your daddy) in your life, and we are powerful forces to be reckoned with.

Always remember that you are beautiful: make-up, or no make-up.

³ Don’t depend on things like fancy hairdos or gold jewelry or expensive clothes to make you look beautiful. ⁴ Be beautiful in your heart by being gentle and quiet. This kind of beauty will last, and God considers it very special.
1 Peter 3:3-4 (Contemporary English Version)

 

***I am well aware the eating disorders are complex and often have to deal with issues of power/powerlessness. However, at such a young age, I really do think family attitudes towards food, influence of friends, and the media have a larger role in a 6 year old’s decision to purge or starve themselves. I am no expert! Just a thought…